Long Relationships

About six months after JG and I got married, I was on the phone with my mom for our normal Sunday call. After a slight pause in the conversation, my mom asked, “RA, what does JG want to call your father and me?�

Oh, lord. After being ambushed by my mother-in-law, I knew there was a Part II in the works and it had come upon us.

RA: Well, I think that’s up to him, if that’s all right with you. Do you want to talk to him about it? (JG looks panicked)
Mom: No, no, that’s okay. We’ve been talking about it lately and we wanted to see what you thought. Could I run some options by you?
RA: That’s fine with me. What were you thinking?
Mom: I definitely don’t want him calling us Mom and Dad because he already has his own parents.
RA: Okay …
Mom: He calls us Mr. and Mrs. Last Name now, and your father and I are comfortable with that. It seems like most people go with first names, though.
RA: Yeah, I think that’s normal.
Mom: But we’ve never had a young person call us by our first names.
RA: Um. Mom, JG isn’t just any “young person,” though. I think it would be nice of you to make an exception here.
Mom: Would he be comfortable with that?
RA: I’m not sure. I just think it would be kind of stiff for him to keep calling you Mrs. Last Name, that’s all.
Mom: Okay, I’ll talk to your father about it. There was this other idea I heard from a teacher from school who just got married …
RA: Oh?
Mom: Well, you know how the initials for mother-in-law are M.I.L? The girl from school calls her mother-in-law “Mil” and her father-in-law “Fil.”
RA: … Like a coffee mill? And a name that is short for Phillip?
Mom: I guess so. I had never thought about it that way.
RA: Uh, I think that would be weird.
Mom: Hm, your father thought so, too.

When I relayed this conversation back to JG, he was equally turned off by this whole Mil/Fil idea, but transitioning from Mr. and Mrs. Last Name seemed odd, too. Finally, to take the pressure off JG, I persuaded my mom to reach out in some way and propose whatever she and my dad wanted. I strongly recommended transitioning to first names because I felt like the “We’ve never had a young person call us by our first names� excuse was pretty lame.

Ultimately, JG received a handwritten letter from my mom (stationery and everything) welcoming him into the family and encouraging him to address them by their first names. It was a nice gesture on my parents’ part because I know that it’s outside their comfort zones; at the same time, JG didn’t jump headfirst into this new form of address because it’s strange for him, too. My parents can come off as somewhat rigid and intimidating, so I didn’t expect everyone to be all chummy at once. I think we’re at a satisfactory place, though. The way I see it, no matter how uncomfortable first names might seem at first, they will never be more awkward than saying “Milâ€? and “Fil.”

marriage, in-laws

Before JG and I were married, we visited his parents’ house for Memorial Day. His mom sat me down abruptly and said, “I need to settle something with you before the wedding because I never did this with Nana.�

Oh, my. Nana is JG’s grandmother, his dad’s mom. Does this have to do with a will or something?

“We have to decide,� she continued, “what you’re going to call me after you get married.�

Oh! I tried to hide my surprise and mild panic. I had to decide right this second?

JG’s mom went right on to say that she didn’t care whether I called her by her first name or Mom or whatever, as long as we figured out something. Apparently, she didn’t have this conversation with Nana, so she was stuck trying to avoid addressing her directly. When JG was born, she finally started calling her Nana, because that’s what the grandchildren were saying. She did not want that to happen with us.

When you’re sitting on the couch of your future mother-in-law, it’s difficult to duck and weave to get out a tough spot. You want to sit politely and be a good future daughter-in-law because you have the nerve to take away her precious son. So you sit there and hope that whatever comes out of your mouth is what you actually think.

“Okay,� I started, “I don’t really have a preference, so whatever you like is – �

“No, this should be up to you,� JG’s mom cut in. “Whatever you’re comfortable with is just fine with me. Except Mrs. Last Name. I think that’s too formal.�

“Well, that’s what I’ve always called adults. It might be hard to change that… Is it okay if I just think about it for a little while?�

She hesitated. “Well, all right. Just let me know before the wedding, okay?�

I talked it over with JG and I couldn’t come to a decision that felt right. Calling adults by Mrs. Last Name was the most natural thing to me, but I had to come to grips with the fact that I was an adult, too, at least enough to be married. And I knew that it was ridiculous to call my in-laws by their last names, but it was just so comfortable. Then there was the First Name option, which felt very co-worker-esque to me. Plus, JG’s mom and I have kind of similar names, which is a bit awkward for me.

I finally settled on using Mom and Dad because I knew it would make her feel like I was excited to join the family. I felt a little weird, as though the very decision was an act of betrayal to my own parents. Because JG’s mom took it upon herself to settle the matter, I wanted please her, especially since my ideal, formal, situation wasn’t even realistic. I was also aware that, as the first marriage for both of our families, JG and I were setting precedents for everything. If future children-in-law decided to call the parents-in-law Mom and Dad, I didn’t want to seem like the distant one who chose to be all formal with first names. No way, man.

Even now, though, I feel strange saying Mom and Dad to my in-laws’ faces or even in front of JG and his siblings. It’s like I’m claiming something that’s not my own, but I know that’s me being paranoid because no one really cares that much. I’ve found myself reverting to just avoiding a direct address, which is the easy way out, and I hope it’ll get easier as time goes by. If nothing else, I’m glad JG’s mom forced me to think about the issue. If she hadn’t, I would have to produce a grandchild before I had something to call her!

marriage, in-laws

One of my favorite parts of the movie, Father of the Bride, is when George and Nina Banks (Steve Martin and Diane Keaton) are driving to visit the future in-laws. George says sarcastically, “In-laws! I hate that term. Does that mean we’re legally bound to these people?”

Ah, yes. I thought it was funny when I watched the movie as a teenager, but since I’ve been married, it has a taken on a deeper meaning. I can relate to almost anything with in-law humor. I love that Cingular commercial when the groom-to-be tries to call his future father-in-law “the Jimster” and gets nervous when the call drops. I feel a twinge in my chest when that Mastercard commercial comes on and the Caucasian groom-to-be tries to call his Japanese fiancée’s father “Dad” amidst a flurry of missed handshakes and miscued bows.

JG and I are lucky to have relatively low-maintenance in-laws. Even though our families are remarkably different from each other, each set of parents tries their best to be natural and welcoming. They are nothing like the territorial shrews and ex-army lieutenants who litter television and movies. The fact that we live three and five hours away from his and my parents, respectively, may help in our relationship.

Being a whatever-in-law is a weird role, though. I think society sets expectations that a respectable set of in-laws has the mentality of gaining a son or daughter rather than losing one, but - what if you didn’t want another one? What if the new adoptee doesn’t want to be in the family? The duties of an in-law, regardless of familial status, are rather fuzzy, as well. Does a son-in-law have to act like a son?

If it seems like I have no answers, then I’ve been an effective communicator. I don’t have answers. JG and I are still figuring out how to navigate between our families and it can be tough, sometimes. JG’s parents are very effusive and mine are extremely reserved; that’s the beginning of their differences. I know we’re not alone. It seems like everyone has their own in-law story somewhere in the spectrum between “I see my mother-in-law everyday!” to “Yeah. Them.” As people move in and through relationships, it seems that the strange experience of meeting and then obtaining additional parents is a common thread.

For the rest of the week, I’m sharing two stories from our In-Law file and I’d love to hear yours, too.

marriage, in-laws

According to a recent Washington Post article, “married couples with children now occupy fewer than one in every four households,� which represents a new low as recorded by the census. While focusing on class distinctions and touching on race and education, the article’s author makes a strong point that intentionally entering into marriage and then having children within that structure is becoming less common. I was surprised to learn that people are not necessarily having fewer children; they are simply less inclined to be married.

As cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births increase among the broader population, social scientists predict that marriage with children will continue its decades-long retreat into relatively high-income exclusivity.

In this generally interesting article, phrases like “the elite� and “marry down� (regarding class) brought to mind a more separated, gilded era of upper- and lower-class citizens, which was disturbing at best. Similar to income, education level, and domicile type, it is clear that trends in family structure can be correlated to class. However, I don’t think it is necessary to juxtapose images of luxurious married couples and struggling cohabitating singles.

It is hardly coincidence that the two examples in this article illustrate extreme scenarios. The married couple lives with their grade-school-aged son in a gated community and their combined income is easily $300,000. The young, cohabitating couple in the article lives with a parent; they can’t afford their own place due to a combined income of less than $20,000. Citing earlier failed marriages and observed unhappiness in their parents’ marriages, the couple “cannot imagine getting married.� One partner even stated, “Marriage ruins life.� The contrast of the two cases effectively illustrates the article’s point, but their disparity is grating to me. Given the right examples, wouldn’t it be possible to “prove� anything?

In any case, I still find the point of the article interesting, even if the language distracted me. The idea that marriage might be an unaffordable luxury is intriguing; does the perceived expense assume that the marriage may not last? Or is it the wedding itself? Does the combination of incomes and cost of living fail to offset these variable costs? If this article is accurate, then the costs associated with children can be discounted, so I am unsure of the elements that make up a “luxury� marriage.

For what it’s worth, I’m pretty happy with the non-luxury model of marriage.

marriage, Washington Post, children

I’ve been fantasizing about redoing our kitchen almost since the day after we moved in. The cabinets are made of a fake wood synthetic material and the overall set-up is frustratingly inefficient. Most of all, I miss a wide expanse of countertop for baking or laying out food. I knew that a big project like this would have an equally hefty price tag, but without an estimate on the cost, the timeline was just as fuzzy, and that was frustrating. Finally, JG agreed to look around at a store to get an idea of the cost and, then, figure out the timeframe. I am not naturally a patient person, but waiting for a specific point in time is much easier for me than anticipating the ambiguous future.

We set out on Saturday afternoon, after I took a nap to recover from my flight home. Armed with a drawing of the kitchen, we strolled through the displays. I wrinkled my nose at glass-front doors, JG knocked on composite countertops, and we jotted down the products and costs that fit best in our price range. It was clear that this upgrade was not in the cards for at least a couple of summers, but at least I knew.

JG pointed down another aisle. “Hey, didn’t you want to look at track lighting at some point?�

My eyes lit up. “Ooh, yes. For the kitchen.�

“I can install it today if you pick out what you want.�

Yes!

An hour later, JG and I were balancing on a ladder and a dining room chair to replace the mismatched, brown light fixtures (original to the house and not in a good way) with two slick brushed-nickel ones. Despite a few dropped screws, we successfully installed the new track lighting and happily aimed the lights. They were a small taste of what was in store for our kitchen in two or three summers and I think baby steps will be helpful while I wait until we can afford the whole deal. For now, it’s fun to admire the new lights when I hit that switch.

couples, home ownership, home improvements, kitchen redo, do-it-yourself

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had weird dryness around my lips. Even after I had gone through a round of antibiotics at the recommendation of my dermatologist, the redness and itch have been annoyingly resilient.

This morning, in my hotel bathroom, I noticed a new red blotch on my chin and a small breakout across my forehead; they’re bumpy with a bonus of itchy. I don’t know if it’s the air or plane travel, but this upshot in my weird skin condition is making me feel swollen and distinctly uncute. I’m not a girl who makes a dime on her looks, but I have had historically well-behaved skin, so it’s just not something I know how to handle.

Maybe it’s shallow of me, but … taking a red-eye flight home tonight will already make me out of sorts and cranky. I don’t relish coming home to JG at 7 in the morning with an extra helping of puffiness. I don’t take huge pains to look glamorous - I mean, he wakes up with me, so I can’t hide much - but this is almost a step below no-makeup-crazy-bedhead. I don’t want to be so uncomfortable that I don’t want to kiss him hello. I know that JG will be happy to have me back home, but I want to be the girl who left on Wednesday, not an itchier, puffier one.

JG would probably say that I’m thinking too much and, of course he still thinks I’m pretty. A good man, that one.

couples, homecoming, business travel, skin condition

JG and I used to watch a lot of reality television. These days, we’ve pared down to Survivor and the occasional episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County or Engaged and Underage, but our roster of reality shows to watch was quite extensive at one point. We loved to yell at the screen during The Apprentice, Amazing Race, Project Runway, and Top Chef, and those were just the regular viewings.

I came across a quiz at The Nest that was supposed to assess which reality show a person was most suited for. Each partner should take the quiz separately and then see if they would end up on the same team. There are a lot of goofy quizzes out there, but I couldn’t help but click through this one. I fancy us to be closest to an Amazing Race team, so I was gunning for that show. I mean, we’d never pick the wrong task (choose the one with a measurable end!) and we’re not afraid of heights, so I figured that it was a safe bet.

The results came back and I was not pleased:

You’re The Apprentice Executive
Check out the young CEO in the making! You love the idea of running a company one day, even if it’s your own boutique. You have a knack for money and numbers, and work really hard to be the best at your job. Some might even call you a perfectionist. Just remember, you don’t need to be Donald Trump rich to have made it. Another good reality show you’d be great on (or find great to watch) is The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, or The Food Network’s Recipe for Success.

Excuse me? I’d have to work with inane, egotistical people and resist the temptation to rip The Donald’s hair off his scalp?

At my request, JG took the quiz and ended up on The Apprentice, too! Well, at least we’re both on the same show … even if we can’t stand it … and it’s not like they’d put us on the same team …

I think it’s a good bet that this quiz is a lot like reality television - it’s entertaining, but not completely accurate.