Long Relationships

John writes of Second Time is a Charm Wednesday: “…If it were me, I would also cut out any and all non-essential communication with her. Being friendly or even cordial is not working in your favor. Being functional (and that’s all) in your communication with her can’t hurt you more. I also don’t think it will hurt the children, if the communication is purely functional. So save yourelf the emotional investment. Could it get worse as a result?”

It’s ironic that my kindness originally stemmed from two things:

1. Wanting never to be accused of any wrongdoing.
2. Wanting to build up some kind of mutual respect and consideration for each other. I didn’t want friendship. Just decency between the two of us. (more…)

So, who’s house do you go to for the holidays? You split the years, split the holidays, or [worst] are stuck going in between two homes on Christmas or Thanksgiving. Either way, contact with the in-laws is inevitable. If you’re one of the lucky ones that has charming in-laws–stop reading this article now and go count your blessings. If you feel every muscle in your body tense up when you enter the in-law inner circle, unclench long enough to finish this article.

1. Hopefully you aren’t banking on creating a good relationship in this one day. If you haven’t sent the requisite birthday cards, thank you notes (that reminds me…), invites to dinner, remembrances for special occasions then you’re likely to begin in the hole before you even walk in the room. If you feel like it’s too early in the relationship for you to be sending cards, to the in-laws then function as the elegant woman in the background. Remind your SO of special dates, occasions and birthdays. If he was always good about it before he met you and suddenly stops, it will be one short leap to blaming you for the demise of good will.

2. Steer clear of any gossiping that goes on. I personally don’t care to indulge in this at all, but especially with people I barely have a history with. Don’t pick sides if you can help it. Picking sides says many things about you, but “likeable diplomat” isn’t one of them. (more…)

Santa’s Bag Full of Goodies” was chosen as this week’s Spotlight Post at Pass the Torch. Big thanks to Kelly at Pass the Torch and all the other great submissions (see this week).

“Pass the Torch Tuesday is an opportunity for bloggers to celebrate the ways they see kids/young people doing things RIGHT! These are the little things we witness everyday, that make us proud of and hopeful about the generation to whom we pass the torch.”

The relationships that we build with our children are some of the most valuable we may have in our entire life. I told Kelly that participating in this weekly post has given me the chance to look at all the little moments with my children with the light of reflection. I see beauty and wisdom in things I did not see before. There are so many joys in knowing and loving each one of them.

”

Sometimes we get so caught up in planning the holidays that we miss the most precious little moments. We’re shopping for gifts, stuffing stockings, wrapping presents, decorating the tree and house, planning Christmas dinner, sending out holiday cards, arranging travel or planning our family’s stay with us.

If your family is staying with you, it can be particularly stressful for a number of reasons:

1. Everyone is trying to please everyone.
2. Some family that is coming to visit may not visit that often. You’re not privy to a lot of their likes/dislikes, habits and needs.
3. Tensions, sibling rivalry, dynamic changes from year to year.

We all have this perception (like Thanksgiving) that it should be perfect. It won’t be. But, there will be beautiful moments that you’ll remember forever. And, those are worth every second of planning.

To minimize your stress over a full house, consider the following: (more…)

Home Insurance Quotes free quotes

For months, maybe years, you’ve been trying to work with an ex-spouse. Some days, it feels like you’ve done everything beautifully and they’ve received your efforts. Maybe they haven’t received it lovingly, but they received it. It feels like a job well done to have communicated well with them for so many occasions in a row. You’re proud that you have maintained your cool the entire time, that you’ve smiled, been cordial, offered forth information that might bring about some connection between the households. Maybe you shared what the kids did over the weekend, or something funny that happened. There was a common sharing or [god forbid] a chuckle.

And then, some days, you’d prefer hard prison time or chinese water torture to any dialogue. Some days it feels like the inside of a prison that Amnesty International has never seen.

“You don’t know [someone] until you’ve met them in court.” –Norman Mailer (more…)

I always arrive somewhere (picking up one of our brood) with several minutes to spare and find myself with nothing to do. Before you quickly say, “You should pack a book!�? let me just say that with four children I truly count myself lucky to even make it out of the house on time at all, with all kids dressed, fed, and diapered. Packing something for myself, well that’s just borderline over-prepared and would completely blow my anti-establishment cover.

I had eight minutes before the bell rang as I sat in the car with Bub and Harpo. Holly G. had left a bag in the car of little trinkets from her dad’s house. She does this often. She is most noted for her ability to collect and gather things and find countless bags to put them in. There were hair ties, necklaces, and several pieces of carved, colored wood in her bag. I pulled the pieces of wood out, one by one. (more…)

As time passes, I will likely have many references to the people listed below. And, you’d need a diagram to figure it out if I didn’t shed a little light. So, here are the acronyms/changed names, as they will appear:

R – Truest friend, partner, and husband. Also, leaver of socks and all other apparel items by the side of the bed. It is undetermined yet whether this is an act of sedition or extreme preparedness (lest one need a complete outfit at 2am)… (more…)

Throughout time, scholars have seen this poem as an ideal visage of love. William Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 is a pristine example of the mind’s aspiration. Only recently have other views been presented on the sonnet. The idealist in me appreciates the original take…

William Shakespeare, Sonnet, love poem, poems, Shakespearean sonnet

Growing up, Sunday was always our family’s day of reflection, rest and love. It was a lazy day that didn’t have any really objective other than togetherness. It is the same for my family these days. Every Sunday when I write to you, it will be a musing about the nature of love…My hope is that it will give you focus for the week and encourage contemplation about your own marriage, relationship, or desire for love.

Today’s thought: Love is something we do as part of our engagement in the world…

Love is not a solitary action. It is a way of connecting ourselves with another. We meet and feel attraction to someone. Attraction brings forth strong feelings. We’re not incapable of governing these strong feelings as some might suggest. We are not “falling in love” down a path with our eyes closed, enjoying the rush of emotion and feeling. Rather, we can assess and make choices and engaged participants in any new relationship/love.

Who is this person? Should we slow down based on what we know? Should we move forward? Is this good for me? Are my feelings valid and worthy of exploring? Are they genuine?

love, lovers, relationships, significant other, marriage, intimacy, new beginnings

We’ve talked of getting rid of clutter, using good lighting, keeping your bedroom as a sanctuary from the rest of the family (as possible). Some readers have brought to hand other tips such as keeping your room technology free, at least in the moments that you wish to create intimacy.

Final tip: Everyone needs a special drawer within reaching distance from the bed. Fill it with massage oil, stockings and scarves for tie-up, sleep masks from your last plane flight to act as a blindfold, lubricant, condoms, erotic books or movies, sexy clothes, vibrators and other sex toys.

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relationships, intimacy, bedroom, ambiance

Neelima writes: “I kind of realized that my room is pig sty material…no candles, no soft lighting, only diapers, babies, baby drool, books, clothes…”

Neelima you must understand that it was very easy to write this article. Well, at least it was as soon as I cleaned off my workspace in my bedroom. And, by cleaned off, I mean I piled all of the miscellaneous papers and children’s drawings onto the bed, just so that I could sit at my desk, by my favorite window in the house and write this post. It was a beautiful moment, until I turned around and saw my mess.

I think we’re all guilty of tossing things where we may and forgetting to clean up after ourselves. After all, we’re too busy trying to get the kids to pick up, or picking up for them! If you can’t keep your bedroom looking spectacular all the time, try to plan at least one special encounter once in a while that indulges all the senses–keeping the impact of the ambiance of the room in mind.

We have two sets of sconces hanging on the walls of our bedroom. This keeps them out of the reach of baby hands. They provide terrific lighting hiding the clothes that sometimes lay about below!

Last night, we glanced in our room after the kids went to bed. It was a complete disaster. But, the downstairs was beautifully lit by the Christmas tree, and free of all the kids’ toys. We lay a blanket on the floor and turned on the stereo and had a very intimate moment in a place that wouldn’t remind us there was more work to be done. That’s the biggest point. When you’re in the middle of an intimate moment with your partner, you shouldn’t be plagued with thoughts of other things. Limit your distractions and increase the intensity of the experience.

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intimacy, romance, bedroom ideas, bedroom clutter, christmas tree, making love

TIP #3 Kidus Interuptus

From the time that my daughter was 18 months old, until she was 2 1/2 she would crawl into bed with us at 2am, every morning. i could have set my watch by it, if I were setting a watch at 2am. By about 6am, I was sufficiently pushed out of the bed by sprawling arms and legs. If she wasn’t already sideways, she was well on her way!

“Well, at least she isn’t STARTING the night with us,” I said to R. He was less than soothed by my rationalization.

With my second child, I nursed him almost exclusively in bed in the middle of the night. R was anxious not to start a trend that led to us never being able to touch each other again, instead probed by little fingers. So, when I finished nursing our son (the sound he was looking for was one or both of us fast asleep), he would scoop Bub up and take him back to his crib. It was an extra exhaustive effort that has kept our bed kid-free for over a year now.

I know that some parents choose to let their children sleep in their bed. And, others feel like they have no choice to get a decent night’s sleep. But, as soon as you can, I believe you should help the children find comfort in their own bed. So, that you can find intimacy in yours.

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bedroom, intimacy, ambiance, kids in bed, children, sleeping

Alright, so you’ve cleaned up your bedroom, right? Good, because those dirty socks, dry cleaning, piles of bills and children’s drawings really don’t say “I want you, baby.”

Tip #2: Remove all doctor or dentist office-like lighting. There is no area that I’d like to feel is under a magnifying lens while my clothes come off. I’m not advocating for lights off, but some more subtle lighting would work much better.

Try candles, sconces, or some low-level lighting. By low-level lighting I mean when you lie down you should not be shielding your eyes from the direct glare of the lightbulb. Any lamp where the lampshade redirects some of the glare a bit is perfect. Dimmers are the next best thing and can match whatever mood you’re in.

My personal favorite, if you’re without candles and the perfect lamp is to just turn out all the lights and open the blinds. Either moonlight of streetlights may provide the perfect subtle lighting.

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bedroom intimacy, bedroom, relationships, intimacy, bedroom lighting

Not all of us can jet off to a B&B every other weekend to recharge the intimacy in our relationship. Truth be told, I can’t remember the last time we went anywhere without the kids, much less “jetted.” A speed directly in front of reverse is usually our course. With four little monkeys we find it difficult to escape. There are too many of them, blocking all exits and windows as in previous attempts.

I actually grabbed the diaper bag when headed out by myself last week instead of putting my wallet and phone into a purse. (A purse, what’s that?)

Still, you’d like to feel like you’re escaping somewhere when you make love to your spouse, right? There’s nothing like being in the throws of passion and constantly looking about at things to be done, if your bedroom also doubles as laundry area and office. Talking to your husband about how many loads of laundry you have to do tomorrow as he’s kissing you, just isn’t good foreplay.

If you’re cramped for space, much like we are, there are still some ways to mask the mess and create a sanctuary in your own tiny quarters. That way, when you go to bed, you’re not bringing the rest of the household with you. (more…)

Last week was the first installment of this regular post. “Second Time is a Charm” will focus on all things related to a second marriage: relationships with stepchildren, budding stepfamilies, ex-wives, ex-husbands, and all the love in between. It’s my hope that the love seeps through. Sometimes, only my frustrations will, as R and I are in the midst of figuring out our second go ’round, too.

“The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”
— Johnny Carson

If we had a dollar for every time we wished we’d heard that three years ago…Well, we wouldn’t be wishing that right now, I guess. Truthfully, I think divorced couples are so clouded with their grief at the demise of their relationship that they can’t see clearly what they’re doing. They can’t see that by “sticking it to” the other person with outlandish requests, claims and assertions, they are harming the welfare of the kids at the other parent’s home.

Because two parents believe that “divorce” was the end of their relationship, despite having two children together, their children are suffering right now. Blindness by hurt and grief and a willingness to “just leave it to the courts to figure out” has cost both sides over $70,000 each. Revenge has been exacted 100–even 1000–times over.

This Week’s Tip: If you are in the middle of a divorce right now–stop it! Stop thinking of that other person as your “spouse,” “ex-spouse,” or any derivitive of that word. They are your child’s parent. They were a parent before you got divorced, and they are one now. They are just as good a parent as before the divorce. So, support them–for you are still married to them in that way. And stop, letting your grief manifest as revenge. Despite what you think, you can’t hide it from the kids.

relationship, stepfamily, second marriage, ex-wife, ex-husband