Long Relationships

We waited three years to send out our first holiday card as a family. When you jump quite literally into the middle of a family (kids, second husband and all), it’s difficult to pick all that up. R’s first wife had been sending out cards (I think) for years. We didn’t exactly exchange address books when I married R. So, I started from scratch. Getting all the addresses was what I did the first year.

Our second year, it still didn’t feel right to send out a holiday card. That was the magical year that everyone else thought we should have sent one out. We didn’t. We offended. We’re sorry. I’m sorry.

This year, we sent a holiday photo card. I planned a few different photo ops to make sure that we’d have a usable shot. Well, in the first one, Princess was practically asleep. In the second one, Holly G. must have spotted a butterfly. In the third, Harpo was angry that Bub was pulling on his hat. And in the fourth one, R and I look like we were abducted by aliens the night before. (more…)

I’m pleased to once again be catching the eye (and hopefully the heart) of some readers. Kelly over at Pass The Torch enjoyed “Being Nice” this week and gave it the spotlight.

There were a great number of heart-warming posts (despite it being the day after a holiday), so go check them out!

Pass the Torch, children, relationships, family

I began pulling gifts out of a bag to wrap for Christmas for friends and neighbors. And, the last gift that I pulled out was for M, R’s ex (see Our Family Tree). I set the gift on the table and Holly G. walked over to me and said, “You’re really nice to her.”

At first, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say, “Yes, and I have no idea why…” But, what came out was, “Well, we should be nice to everyone we know, right?”

“I guess so. Should we even be nice to people who aren’t nice to us?”

I was finally pulling it together enough to see the “teachable moment” within my grasp. “We should be nice to everyone, love. It is especially important to find the kindness for those who aren’t nice to us.”

“Why?”

“Because that is the kind of person that we want to be. And, being kind isn’t about getting something back. It is about doing it because it is the right thing to do.” It wasn’t the most eloquent thing I have ever said, but I think I got my point across. The conversation died there momentarily. (more…)

This is Part II to the Vows that I posted on last week’s Love Letters (Volume 7)

These were the words I spoke while looking into R’s eyes…
You are my inspiration and my soul’s fire.
You are the magic of my days.
You help me laugh, you teach me love.
You provide a safe place for me, unlike I’ve ever known.
You are more of an amazement to me, each day I rediscover you.
You are my best friend.
I am yours.
You are mine.
Of this we are certain.
You are lodged in my heart.
The small key is lost.
You must stay there forever.

It wasn’t too many years ago that R and I stood in a remote corner of the Japanese Tea Gardens with two witnesses and our young Bub in the arms of his grandparents. We met there on our first date years before.

We recited our vows (See Love Letters Vol 7 & Vol 8) amidst the quiet of the gardens and were pronounced husband and wife by R’s uncle.

The ceremony was very small. It was a second marriage for both of us. And, we’d done the big “to-do” before. Oddly enough, we both felt like wallflowers in those big ceremonies. We both detest crowds and being the center of attention. In an effort to express the difference in our relationship, we chose something that felt like eloping, but was closer to home. We would have eloped altogether, but a newborn son that I was nursing prevented it.

Not many relatives understood that, it turns out. (more…)

Suzanne writes, “Melancholy…I feel that. I feel that today and a few others. Someone once told me, though, when you’re feeling something, sit down and take a look around…acknowledge it and it will pass at some point. Life goes too fast…enjoy today for the joys IT brings rather than worrying about the sorrows of yesterday or the potential ones tomorrow.”

It’s true. The quickest way out of a feeling is to sit down in it for a moment to really feel it. It is the dismissing of it that makes it linger. If you truly nestle into what is the heart of it causally, emotionally and physically then you are most likely able to find your qay out of it quicker than those of us who would wish to forget the emotion.

My dear Suzanne, if the melancholy still plagues you this close to the holidays, remember that there are many people around you who love and admire you. You are a gifted, special soul worthy of more love and respect (R-E-S-P-E-C-T) than you’ve been getting.

So, stop sitting in that emotion. The time is nigh to get up, and dust yourself off for more beautiful things. My best wishes to you and yours this holiday…

relationships, melancholy, emotions, sadness, intimacy, new beginnings, long relationships

Years of marriage or a long relationship risk becoming tepid at a certain point. I have always had paranoia about marriage, simplistically believing that stagnation is a symptom of saying vows rather than something else. In truth, I think that marriage really isn’t the thing that changes a relationship. Rather, I think the responsibilities, complications and stresses that come after the “I do’s” contribute to a stale bedroom.

As spouses or live-in partners you bring so much else into the bedroom that it is hard to remember that you’re lovers first. I’ve talked before about not bringing drama or serious conversations into the bedroom. It’s a hard thing to remember when so much of your time is spent in that room. Even as you collapse from the day, change clothes and ready for bed, you’re most likely continuing conversations from earlier in the day or downstairs.

Then, when you finally do crawl into bed intimacy is the farthest thing from your mind. Switching gears to realize your lover is lying next to you is nearly impossible.

What is it about a strange hotel room that brings about a little naughty behavior? Perhaps you try a sexual position that you wouldn’t normally. Perhaps you just feel more into the moment than you would in your bedroom at home. Perhaps it is the cityscape and lights of a place that you never go, an unfamiliarity that allows you to throw off your inhibitions and let loose, remembering the wanton days of your youth…

Merry Christmas, dear readers…I’ll be posting thru the holidays, so check back soon for the remainder of my vows, new poems, and articles on remarriage.

intimacy, long relationships, marriage, significant other, vows, sex

I loved Holly’s post “What Will you Make Room For?” today. It was poignant and beautiful and got me thinking about my day…

I drove around in the rain for a half hour today in Burlingame (hot spot for wealthy folk to shop and “do lunch”). I NEVER go there because I detest the crowds and pretentious folk…but had to today.

Finally! I found a space! I flipped on my turn signal only about ten feet away…and the car that had passed up the space (ten feet in the opposite direction) began to back up. I was already stopped and waiting and they backed right up into me, trying to get the space as well. With both of us there, the parked car couldn’t pull out.

I stood my ground (not proud of this now, by the way)…I wasn’t going to move. I was there first (stamps foot loudly). The driver of the car in front of me put his car in park and opened his car door. Oh, great, I thought.

The man stepped (no, staggered) out of the car with his handicapped parking sticker in his hand. He hobbled toward me. I couldn’t even make out what he was saying, but it didn’t matter. There were no handicapped spaces in the lot. Not a one.

I felt like a heel.

I was backed up before he even cleared the back bumper of his car.

So, I ask…Where is the room in our heart for a little kindness this holiday? It’s in there somewhere, no matter the difficulties that we’re all enduring. Don’t just open it up to those you know. As Holly says, “What we make room for defines our character as well as our life experiences.”

Holly’s Corner, handicapped, make room, spirit of the holidays, reltationships

Last week, R said, “I’m actually a little jealous of M (his ex) because she gets to see you looking so spectacular!” Hmm, does that mean that the Chanel perfume is covered up with Ode de Baby Drool and Diaper Duty by the time he gets home? Perhaps…

With four little ones running around (and over top of) me, it’s hard to stay in that perfectly styled freshness of the morning. In fact, I’m not sure that I can even step foot out of the bathroom before the friz sets in and I’ve already rubbed my eyes once, smearing mascara down my face. By the time I, Raccoon Princess, nestle down on the floor to play Lincoln Logs, my shirt is already wet from the open-mouth kisses that Bub gives me on my shoulders. His slimy grip handprints are all over my collar and sleeve.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Raccoon Princess meanders out of her hovel and downstairs to make breakfast for the brood, the coffee has not yet set in and the shoulders are still slumped. Eventually, the upright stance of the rest of her species will manifest itself. And, she will resemble an older, slower member of her clan. She struggles to engage in adult conversation when the opportunity presents itself. Wiping noses and bottoms, chins and tears takes up more than a fair bit of concentration. (more…)

Well, let’s be honest. I’m bummed just reading my own posts on Second Time is a Charm from the past few weeks! We’re certainly in a funk! It has been a trying few weeks and our sadness has carried over into this thread. We have been in court with M for what feels like the hundredth time arguing over the likelihood of ocean-front property in Arizona and the price of tea in China.

Last week though I found compassion in the soul of a person who truly needn’t be bothered with our pain over this second go ’round. Stretch took the entire day off of work to support R in court and act on our behalf if needed. He wasn’t needed. Instead, spending three hours outside the courtroom without hearing a word of the discussion, feeling fairly useless and helpless to R.

When he returned home with R, he wasn’t frustrated, upset, tired, or anything else. He was still concerned. He was concerned that there was not a single shread of resolution to R’s problems with M. He was concerned that R and I felt the weight of the continued discord. He looked at us as friends, dear friends and wanted to do something.

I began to weep at my upset. Stretch walked past R, who was also upset and gave me a hug. “You know what you need,” he said.

“I do?” (more…)

Princess has finally realized that she is the BIG SISTER. Not just the sister, but THE “Big Sister.”

“I am the biggest kid, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are.”

“I need to be good so that everyone else is, right?”

“Well, you should set a good example. It doesn’t mean that they will be good. It’s mostly a suggestion. (I laugh.) They need to learn it on their own.”

“I want to do something for Holly G.”

“You do? Like what?”

“I want her to know that I love her.”

“That’s sweet, love. What would show her that?”

She thought about it for a moment…”I know! I’ll lay out her toothbrush, some dental floss, and her favorite toothpaste!”

“Will that show her that you love her?”

“Yeah, it’s like you laying out Daddy’s clothes in the morning, right?” Little does Princess know that I lay out Daddy’s clothes just so that he doesn’t go hunting for things that I have YET to iron! There are many of those…

But, god, I love her. She got a great message from my slovenly behavior! That just proves it isn’t that easy to screw them up, right??

This is my Pass the Torch Tuesday post. For more information on participating, click here.

Pass the Torch, kids, family, relationships, long relationships

Our anniversary is one week from yesterday, on Christmas Eve. We chose our own vows for the beautiful day. Beginning this week in the love letters series, I’ll share them with you…

And R said…
In your eyes, I have found my home.
In your heart, I have found my love.
In your soul, I have found my mate.
With you, I am whole, full, alive.
You make me laugh. You let me cry.
You are my breath, my every heartbeat.
I am yours.
You are mine.
Of this we are certain.
You are lodged in my heart.
The small key is lost.
You must stay there forever.

wedding vows, marriage, wedding, vows, groom, bride, relationships, love poem

Today’s thought: Love is not short-lived.

We’ve all heard that the lusty hormones wear off after 18 months and that if you “make it thru the first five years you can make it thru anything.” All of those scientific facts and cliches are lousy synonyms for true love’s staying power. In my experience, the lust will ebb and flow with all things in your life. And, though the first five years may be the hardest (fingers crossed), that is no reason to sit on our laurels and forget to nurture our love.

Just as love is not short-lived. It is not easily “turned off.”

I have been witness and receiver of much love in my life. For that I am grateful. I have seen love evolve into many different things, just so that it can keep itself alive. This Christmas may be more melancholy than any other in my life, but the joy will be found. And, the love is certainly still there.

love, lovers, marriage, relationships, long relationships

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.” - R. Emerson

You spend countless hours reading and responding to other people’s blogs on the internet–are they your friends? You relate stories from your personal life to your co-worker and they reciprocate–are they your friends? You see and speak to the neighbors at least a few times a week? You socialize with the other Moms in the Mommy club–you actually feel a little shy about the whole thing, but it’s good for the kids. Are either of these groups considered friends?

Does it matter not how much you actually share with a friend, but how you receive them? Do you know, as Emerson says, that you have a friend when you are inspired by their trust in your friendship?

The truest friends that I have I can count on only a few fingers. But, I feel their gift to me in the truest sense. I feel their unrestrained sharing withi me and it spurs mine with them. Their trust is a catalyst, as cowardly as that sounds. But, I am grateful for it. I am grateful that I felt their trust. I hope that they feel mine in return.

friendships, long relationships, relationships, platonic relationships, sharing, trust, Emerson

“If I could tear open my chest, that you might see my heart and the blood that courses thru it. The strength within it and the aches at its depths are of you. The imperfections are nurtured and smoothed over by your hand.” –Anonymous

Every long relationship goes through periods of time where one or both spouses feel insecure and doubtful of the other’s love. It’s natural as our respective individual paths diverge and come together again to wonder the intensity of your spouse’s feelings. Our busy lives often get in the way of the daily reassurances we had when we were dating.

But, if the reassurances grow in their frequency and necessity, it can cause a strain on a relationship. It becomes tedious, in a relationship that has never experienced a betrayal to feel the constant need to reiterate your feelings to your spouse. You feel like there should be a growing understanding of your love and spiritual growth that nurtures those feelings.

Two courses of action are helpful if you find your relationship in this stupor:

1. If you are the one feeling doubtful of the other’s love, ask yourself why. Is something changed with their behavior? Do your feelings stem from an incident that happened between the two of you? Or are your feelings a result of an internal guilt that you may feel about something?
2. If you are the one reassuring your partner, be patient. Offer as much as you can of your love. Then, try to understand the source of their feelings. If they do not know it themselves, ask them to reflect on it.

Whatever the root cause of those insecurities, if they perpetuate themselves in a relationship it is sure to cause some strain. It will become tedious for the one offering the affirmation and frightening to the one who needs the reassurances. Discuss it. Talk about it. No matter how silly it sounds. Unleashing the root of those feelings may save you months of, “Yes, of course I love you…”

relationships, insecurities, love, long relationships, marriage, reassurance