Long Relationships

This discussion, though a comment on my post, was originally based on the article of a very thoughtful blog yesterday written by Andrew McAllister, PhD (PhD stands for Propeller Head according to Andrew’s wife, but I can’t–and won’t–confirm that!). To Love, Honor, and Dismay has many reader-generated articles and very mindful comments from Andrew. One that caught my eye was a post titled “The Affair-Proof Marriage.” (I suggest you read the article in its entirety.)

There’s a growing number of publicized statistics on divorce and infidelity. It may have honeymooners skeptically counting the days till the demise of their relationship. What reassurances, if any, can we have to avoid finding out our spouse is cheating? I wonder how correlated an affair-proof marriage is to a happy marriage. Are the two synonymous with each other? Or can you have an affair-proof marriage that still isn’t fulfilling? And, in wondering that, is it more than commitment that guarantees an affair-proof marriage… (more…)

I remember as a young adult sitting with my parents on Christmas Eve. We were all gathered round the tree to exchange gifts. It was, in large part, completed. And with great flare, the final gift was brought out. It was for my Mother from Dad.

“It’s a jewelry vanity!”

“No…”

“It’s a new tennis racquet!”

“No…”

Mom began opening the gift. As she peeled back the paper, she revealed the unmistakeable brand name “Hoover” on the side of the box. She seemed to sigh and I readied myself for the reaction…Would Mom cringe? Would Dad get his feelings hurt? Would he retreat to his bedroom? Would Mom start crying because she felt like she ruined the evening? (more…)

451 Press rolled out our shiny new templates today. Our sleek new look was voted on by those of us in the 451 Press Network. As we settle into our new duds, we realize that we are no greater than our network of readers and fellow bloggers–so, soon we will have the ability to pay back the “mentions” that some of you have made on your own sites and blogrolls. I wanted you faithful folk and newcomers to realize that as it is in the works…

In the meantime, as you roam about the new layouts, pay special attention to the Channels at the bottom. There are some creative, talented, sarcastic writers among us….

451 Press, templates, blogrolls, relationships, network, community

When our relationship was new, there was no time I dreaded more than the gift-giving season. I have wide-eyed elation and a child’s exuberance when watching someone (be they stranger of closest friend) open a gift I give. Truth be told, I cannot keep a secret at all and have been known to buy the gift and come home to give it to my love immediately!

But, if you’ve selected less than the perfect gift or are stumped on what to get, anxiety is the only thing on your mind. (more…)

R and I have certainly had our share of difficult times in the few years we have been together. I’ve said before that we joke if we can make it through this everything else is bound to be a cinch.

I feel as though we’ve turned a corner. Something has deepened between the two of us. Perhaps we’ve acknowledged internally all that we’ve been through and can see ourselves on the other side of it now? Perhaps we’re sharing more of ourselves than we used to? Opening up comes more easily. We’re less apt to resort to Nothings when something truly bothers us. Remembering to touch each other in passing comes almost without thought.

We could have easily turned the other way in the last few years. It’s so easy to throw up your hands when something isn’t working. We threw that thought into the arena more than once. And, I don’t think we said it truly wanting to end our relationship, but more as a qualifier. We were at our breaking point. Though it may seem awful to declare it that way, touting the demise of your own marriage with a “Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together anymore”—it happened.

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With statistics touting that over half of marriages end in divorce, it’s no surprise that many of us end up in relationships that are second marriages for one or both spouses. That’s not just a typical suitcase worth of baggage–that’s an entire caravan of it.

As difficult as it is to repeat the mantra “I married him, not his family.” Or, “I love her no matter what anyone else thinks” it’s crucial that you carry with you a certain amount of mindfulness of the complex dynamics. It’s crucial that you have a place to look to for support. It’s crucial that you have some place to [even metaphorically] scream about what isn’t going the way you saw it in your mind.

Each week I’ll bring an issue, tip or topic to you that I’ve found helpful. If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that I’m in the midst of my own second marriage. There have been beautiful moments and there have been trying moments. But, I am still in love…

This week’s tip: When turmoil surfaces with your spouse’s family over anything, let them handle it. Offer advice, strength and love but ultimately let them take the lead on solving any problems with their family. They are more apt to stomach anything that they say than something you might [as the newbie in the family].

“Marriage may be made in heaven, but the maintenance must be done on earth.”

In the pale dusk of the evening,
Colors begin to fade
The warmth of the sun lingers momentarily
Falling breathless to the chill of the gray

We watch the evening carpet
Unfold across the sky
Bedecked with brilliant jewels
The night takes you and I

We’ve pulled the blanket tighter
And wound our bodies round
The fire burns like a beacon
Our cove is darkened now

The fire burns for us alone
With shadows upon all else
Seems it’s how it has always been
Since you and I’ve been close…

love letters, love poems, significant other, relationships

For those of us who have ever tried to find our way into a family as the second wife, you know it is a difficult time. Depending on how long your husband’s first marriage was and how close they were to his ex, you may have a trying road ahead of you. Their acceptance, love and support of all that you and he are working to build may not come so easily. There may be miscommunications and misunderstandings about what behavior and social interactions with his ex are respectful.

A dear friend of mine is in the midst of that right now. He faces great difficulty as he and his new wife try to articulate to his family what they think should be a loyalty to him. Not a loyalty to them both, but a loyalty to him and to the pain and struggle that he went through during the divorce. His family’s compulsion to associate with his ex-wife, almost instead of him in some circumstances, is causing great strain.

Here is a portion of a letter to a family member that they are in the midst of difficulty with: (more…)

It’s not often that I have control of the television. Even less often than that are the moments that I watch anything related to pop culture—yes, I’ve watched Oprah a time or two…

But, this morning it was just my little one and I up. He uttered nary a sound to let Mommy watch her bit of mindless television (as the coffee wasn’t ready yet). The silence got the better of me and I walked into the kitchen to check on him. He was happy as a lark—a lark in chocolate…

Onto my point: What I was watching…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I give you a single gal, living in a one-bedroom apartment, going to clubs, enjoying a fledgling acting career. I have no idea if she was happy, what books were on her shelves, what wants were in her mind, or what desires in her heart. But, that (as the media would paint it; courtesy of “E! News Special Tom & Katie’s Wedding”) is all in the past.

Now, she is married to an internationally famous actor. She is a new mother in a new home with a new religion. Katie Holmes has made some significant lifestyle and philosophical changes in her life over the past year. (more…)

R’s nephew was working from midnight to 7am last night. My neighbor spent yesterday evening plotting out the sales that she would target in a specific, calculating order beginning at 5am. Some begin even earlier, but her husband was requiring a dose of rational thinking in her shopping day…

Black Friday in my mind is a plague on the true spirit of the holidays. There is something very distasteful, greedy and wanton in the eyes of many shoppers today. I would much rather shop on a non-sale day, mulling thru the stores thinking about those I’m buying for. Yes, I’ll pay a little more, but somewhere in my mind there will be a peace and a yesterday-year reflection on the reason I’m out shopping in the first place. In the day perhaps I’ll even find time to buy little extra things (toys or warm coats) and take them by a local charity or firehouse for the Toys for Tots program. (more…)

“He that raises a large family does, indeed, while he lives to observe them, stand a broader mark for sorrow; but then he stands a broader mark for pleasure too.” – Benjamin Franklin

Today, we are surrounded by our beautiful family–dinner at R.’s sister’s home with 35 family and friends. There will be a beautiful table set, laughter that will shake the walls, terrific food, and love that has and will endure all. But with all the crowd and bustle, we will still dearly miss our oldest girl and oldest boy…

It is the pain of sharing their lives with another set of parents. And, though we constantly remind them of their gifts of two large families who love them deeply, it will never change the void that rests in the hearts of the parent that they are away from.

We miss L’s ear-piercing laughter, his quiet little mubbling of the words he does not yet know (”Hmm ha hmmm apple juice”) We miss D’s smile, her gentle shyness, and watching her play with her younger siblings. Happy birthday, D. You’re 6 today, sweetpea. We’ll love you always…

Our joys and our sorrows…Ultimately, our joy more than anything, for even if they aren’t with us, they are somewhere in the world loving and living happily as they should be. For that we are grateful…

relationship, love, children, stepfamily, birthday, separation, togetherness

If it’s just the two of you, have Thanksgiving in bed! Eat whatever you want and swear not to do a lick of cooking or cleanup! Spend the afternoon being “thankful” for each other…

My vision of us on that day wrapped up in our favorite things (or lack of things), is keeping the blinds closed and candles lit all day so that we can live 24 hours of nighttime together. We could let our souls settle in for a long winter’s day, indulging each other in all ways. Instead of giving rattling off sound bytes of our day, we might rest a little and let all of the laughs and indelible moments bubble to the surface. It’s the smallest things that we forget to share. I forget to tell him that his daughter and I practiced whistling today. I forget to tell him that I stopped and talked to the neighbor and she’s doing well. I forget to tell him that that Bub (our youngest son) learned a new word.

We may have enough time together in those 24 hours that we can enjoy a comfortable silence or a nap! Perish the thought! (more…)

Citizen of the Month is a blog that I frequent quite often as a newbie blogger. I may not comment as much as I should, but I appreciate the writing and wit (and tips on closet reconstruction for Sophia). It’s always my excuse to do a little “research” and read when I have absolutely nothing in my head to write about.

Neil gave birth to a fledgling little idea last year and it’s a terrific hit. This year’s “Thank Your First Commenter Day” is mimicked by many but truly replicated by none. Still, we all participate–in the spirit of the approaching holiday and in reverence to our beloved readers.

Drumroll, please…. (more…)

If you are driving to your out of town destination (here go gas prices again!), make sure that you have roadside assistance. If you find yourself in the middle of nowhere on a holiday afternoon, do not take it out on your companions. Remember, eventually you have to get back in the car and back into reality with them. This is but a blip on the horizon in what is a beautiful day.

Be thankful that it isn’t raining, sleeting, or snowing. Be thankful that eventually, the tow truck company can find one tiny car on one tiny road to the middle of the desert.

And, though by the time the car was fixed it was too late to continue on your journey. Be thankful that Black Angus was open. At least you were warm and around people you love….

Thanksgiving, disaster, turkey, mistake, relationship, helping, communicating, car trouble

Forego cooking a meal this week to cook for someone else. As our children get older, I mentioned before that we want to teach them the social and community awareness as our foundation for holiday celebrations. Volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen as an individual or take your whole family and broaden your world view for a moment. We all know that there is hardship and difficulty in the world, but to realize that you can find the destitute, the sick, the needy a few miles from your own door is sometimes shocking.

Think of the money and time spent cooking one meal–and think of what that money and time could do for someone else. Imagine the message that you send to your children. Imagine what you might take away from the experience. As my “about me” says I spent many years working for a non-profit. It was the most fulfilling time in my life and the most gut-wrenching. The impact that that place had on me is felt in all that I do now. And, I know that there is no other way to translate that to my children than to have them experience it for themselves. (more…)